Dear Chronic Daters – Part II: “My New Home!”

In Dating, Marriage on 11/24/2011 by Beyond the Face of facebook . Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Marriage is when you FINALLY go from the concept of “My parents” being considered “going home“ to the new reality of “My spouse” being your new “home.”  Your new home with your spouse is your new-born, UNIQUE entity together, where you will create the only reprieve in this world from having to be like everyone else…  a SANCTUARY.:) 


Also, if you’ve grown up single in a mass-media driven culture, like I have, then you know how hard it is to try and be truly “unique.”  Well, this challenge follows us into marriage, as well.  Having the t.v. on, for example, still serves to bring the influence of the outside world into our supposed sacred space and threatens to make it like everything/everyone else.

Therefore, similarly, any topics, focuses, materials, and sources we bring into our home from outside ought to be discerned in the way we would monitor our shoes for potential dirt being tracked into our clean home environment from outside.  Hey, are you even checking your shoes or taking them off upon entering?:)

Yes, also living in a culture that idolizes and normalizes vanity (including using it to deface and put down others – verbally and physically – to indulge our self) has made it challenging to distinguish what’s appropriate for our home with our spouse (…with consequences, later, for our children!).

The vanity, my friend, is just a business product of  Hollywood (metaphorically, the “artificial heart”) and 5th Avenue (the “artificial mind”)…  “Brought to you by” the same sources that have SOLD us our favorite warped fantasies such as “finding the one” (…our “perfect” companion), “love at first sight,” and “many more!“;)

It’s through this lens of vain fantasy, unfortunately, that we’ve been judging (usually unfavorably) the worth of people –  namely, the value of our dates and spouse(s).

Ultimately, there’s really only one Judge.  And, even though He’s not one of us, we’re from Him – particularly, in all of us, are His loving attributes.  Therefore, it’s healthy for us to continually look for these loving attributes, as well, in our date or spouse (first, seeing them in our self) – especially during challenging times!

Personally, finding this compassion for another person is one of my biggest challenges – more so, having been raised in a society that normalizes us to say to the emotionally “injusticed” (ie, to someone who’s been “hurt” and needs resolution), “Grow a pair,” and “Get over it!” >O

Though, when I cultivate the strength to find compassion for (and embrace) my spouse, wholly (“holy?”), that always keeps US (united as one) moving forward on the right path – towards building life (including each other’s, as individuals), together.

BFf .

14 Responses to “Dear Chronic Daters – Part II: “My New Home!””

  1. This is a very interesting post and for myself I would focus on the positive aspect of recognising that we are all part of and connected with the divine.
    WIth that being true the person you are arguing with at work, in the street is as much a part of the world as you are. We all have the capacity to act (or to not act) as situations arise.
    We do not need to respond to someone with anger simply because they come to us with anger, or because we are in a moment of hurt.
    Recognise the properties in others that you have within yourself and recognise the need for change is within you not within everyone else. Start with yourself and let the rest of the world attend to itself. As we are all connected the changes you make in your own life will ripple out….

    • Thanks for contributing to this post!

      Absolutely – the positive, yes, but also acknowledging the “negative” and bringing it up/transforming it to a higher level of potential… Everything is a dichotomy, like a test – for us to choose (with our gift of free-will) the “higher” path:

      Yes, I agree we are all connected. Therefore, like with our bodies, if part of us isn’t working fully, we need to give more care to see that the “weaker” part comes along with the rest… Afterall, we need our parts healthy so that our whole is healthy, strong, and fully functioning:) A quote that comes to mind: “A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.” – John Lennon

      Absolutely – someone eles’s anger is just that… theirs
      . All we can do is to receive/hear the person and ask how we can help. For many, just doing nothing but listen (ie, not insert our self, for example) is the best help we can provide (if needed, that is).

      Ultimately, yes, we adults (as opposed to children, whom don’t know and, therefore, need our guidance) are responsible for our OWN actions – not blaming, not trying to control someone else. For example, there’s a difference between, “_________, I need it quieter in the room so I can study, can you help me with that?” (advocating for our self/taking responsibility/preserving the peace and making the object, “I”) versus (usually a command) “Stop making that noise.” or “You need to _____.” or “Don’t do that.”…(all trying to control and blame someone else – something external to their self).

      “Recognise the properties in others…” Yes, it’s an act of humility and love to first “walk in someone else’s shoes,” before indulging our impulse to judge. And, like Jewel’s song, “Pieces of You,” one must consider whether the proverbial “spider” you’re trying to stomp out is really something about yourself that you don’t like when you look into the mirror:

      Speaking of the ripple effect, the potential within all of us to inspire:

  2. Love this post 🙂 You bring up good points.

    • Hey, glad we’re talkin’! Looking forward to hearing more of what you and others have to say. Here’s to healthy healthy thinking and actions, such as putting down the remote and acknowledging each other’s potential!:)

  3. Yes I especially agree that it is good to reflect on judging others.

    Perhaps less judgment and more acceptance can help unite everyone?

    Nice post!

    • I appreciate that we’re talking about these “matters of the heart.”

      Yeah, judging is really just placing your will on others – that is, what you think is good/”right” (as in “righteous”) for them. There’s only one Judge, and it ain’t us!:) So, we could look beneath our feet first, before we start calling other people out on their issues.

      Now one, slight, distinction: if someone is threatening you, you’ve got to tell them… BUT… tell them what “I need,” instead of something like, “YOU need….!” When I get that, I instantly feel judged and like someone is trying to control me… the nerve!:)

      Keep talkin’, keep healthy!

  4. So, what do you say to those who are now divorced/separated? Are they stow aways? 🙂 Interesting topic by the way! 😀

    • Good questions, and I’m glad were talkin’ about this – it’s real, it’s healthy. “Divorced/separated”… I would say 2 things:

      1) They’re definitely not “stow aways,” and they might glean a different perspective for reconsidering their current, troubled relationship (or bring into a new relationship), by reading all 3 parts of “Dear Chronic Daters” on this blog.

      2) You’re instincts serve you well in that my intentions are mostly geared towards people never married before. Really the only reason for the single-never-married focus is because, like most authors, I can only speak on what I know – having been a chronic dater, marrying (thank G-d), and now seeing the aftermath of pop culture programming playout in my spouse, to the detriment of our relationship. Though difficult, we’re acknowledging these barriers to connection and working to nip ’em in the bud:).

      Keep talkin’, keep healthy!

  5. Great post! Interesting points! I really like the symbolism about taking off your shoes and not tracking outside dirt in the house!! And also about having your house be a sanctuary.. I’m not married yet, but even when I am with my family sometimes I have to ask if we can shut off the TV and actually enjoy each other’s company once and awhile. There is so much good that technology brings to our lives but sometimes its okay to shut them down and just live good old-fashioned life =)

    • I hear ‘ya, great to be talking with you about “matters of the heart.” Not enough is being done or discussed about “The Matters” in our society. But, giving the benefit of the doubt, I don’t think people are TAKEing (not “MAKEing,” as they’re already here) the Time AND Space to pass down the tools and values for being authentic and generous with another person… similar to what you shared in your message. Seriously, one must be open to receive someone else and vice-versa, in order to build together. Otherwise, it seems like butting heads and getting nowhere (…if not stagnant/stuck, then spiraling downward:( ).

      Also, along with our notion of “modern” society, we like to think we’re quite “refined” – which seems to translate, unfortunately, into an air of self-righteousness and entitlement. In “modern” socity, the only thing that APPEARS to being “refined” is just that… our appearances. Further, it seems like every situation has to be “for Me” – “What am I going to get out of it?” – or it’s not worth our focus. Such a demeanor towards people, for example, is quite adversarial and disconnecting (…especially when trying to cultivate and build a relationship. Actually, being self-protecting/closed-off/acting “cool” (ie, being cold and removed) is quite antithetical towards establishing commitments to soemeone outside of ourselves).

      Even the “law of the land”, our legal system, condones a culture of “c.y.a.” (cover your a**). New York City and Miami are two places I have lived, for example, that are incubators for this culture of “Me.” That is, it seems like everyone in these two places are “hustling” for a dollar. Think about the main industries in these two cities… finance, fashion, media, real estate… Me..:) Also, though I’m not condoning Al Queda, Osama bin Laden, et al… why would they choose to repeatedly target New York City to represent their strife against all of America?

      Agreed, all material, including technolgy, is good. As mentioned in Part III, it seems there is good in everything. What we have to be mindful of is how we use the technology to elevate its purpose in this world for doing good and/or better. Still we need to acknowledge its uses for self-indulgence – the “bad” – not to ignore it… that’s when it bites us in the rear! :O

      Look at me (no pun intended:)), I’m basically writing another post here! Keep talkin’ (yes, remote down for now), keep healthy!:)

  6. Haven’t had much luck in the relationship arena to say the least, but appreciate reading other people’s insights on the subject. It’s funny, I’m transitioning right now from couple to single and I’m trying to be open, trying not to feel bitter…consequently posts such as this have popped up here and there. So, thank you.

    • From my personal experience of chronic dating (as well as from hearing from the chronically single people in my life), please have some mercy on yourself – as in this society, know that it’s very difficult to find people who know what it means to receive/fully embrace and be generous to another person. It seems we’re all encouraged to walk around, “cool” – that is, COLD, removed, and self-focused.

      Coming from this background, as well, my wife and I still struggle to extract, from our behaviors with each other, our culture’s self-serving influences (like eliminating “pollution” surrounding our minds and hearts). First, the best “shackle” we broke was to FREE ourselves from the distraction of “our master,” t.v.:)

      This opened up much necessary space and time for us to then have no choice but acknowledge each other’s protective layers, personal needs, and reflect on STRATEGIES (with the help of lots of reading, therapy, classes, audio, video, and mentors) HOW to resolve our differences towards building our home together.

      That is, don’t expect this WORK (the most rewarding “career” you can have) to be done by just the two of you. And you’ll have to make sure, when you meet with a potential match, that you find out, UP FRONT (don’t wait to inquire), how they feel about personal growth/self-refinement/personal development activities, like you are. If they value it, great. If they call it, “hokey,” make fun of it, etc. – they’re still very immature, keep looking. So, my wife and I, now, realize (having grown up in “modern” society and even after having gotten married), that we actually haven’t been equipped with the “tools” for pesonal connection… otherwise, we’d just do it, automatically in our marriage.:) But, we’re committed… sometimes feeling like we need TO BE “committed.”:)

      REAListically, realize and be o.k. that this WORK will not likely be all pretty and storybook-like, AT FIRST. Plus, know that marriage is a privelege, and rarely is something BOTH a privelege AND pleasure. Y’know, like anything “worthwhile” and enduring/sustaining, it’s going to take you and your potential spouse committing to going through “the dip” (the link for this short book is referenced in “Dear Chronic Daters, Part III).

      Further, it’s only when there’s open and authentic communication/DIALOGUE/a “DIRECT line” with another person happening (that is, you BOTH, up front, communicate your needs, values, standards, and objectives for your home together) that you can THEN begin a new life on a SOLID, STRONG FOUNDATION – building forward, without continuing to be weighed down by all the crap (our image, our prestige – our ego, for example) we’ve been taught/expected to drag along with us as “our lot” in life, ugh!

      Related, I’d also like to suggest reading my recent response to “frenchtippedwanderlust”‘s comment.

      Wishing you much love and thriving – keep talkin’, keep healhty!

  7. Very interesting take on ‘home’. I like it indeed!

    • Thank you for your generous words. Related, an inspiring Einstein quote:
      “Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” I’d like to tag the obvious onto the end of the quote “… to some one else, out side of your self.”

      We’ve got a lot of work to do, so little time! Resolve today to live generously. Here’s to life, and your part in helping to create and improve on it!:)

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