Articles

Dear Chronic Daters – Part III: “Ironic”

In Dating, Marriage on 11/30/2011 by Beyond the Face of facebook . Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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O.k., your last date… 

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“I liked this about _______,

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BUT I didn’t like how _______ !

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NEXT!  …That’s a ‘deal breaker!’

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Or…

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“I liked this about ________,

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BUT

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hmmm, I just don’t know if _______ is right for me…”

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In every person, in every situation, and in every thing, there’s the “favorable” packaged simultaneously with the “unfavorable” – a dichotomy of two opposites co-existing.

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When we acknowledge and  embrace this dichotomy and the unknown (…in sickness AND in health, for rich AND for poor, for example), we become part of the realization and charter that is “Marriage.”

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Contrastingly, the “I-have-to- know-everything-right-now’s” (the WHY-WHEN-WHERE-and-HOW) about another person’s entire being – in order to fully embrace them and view them in a favorable light – are impossible to establish.  Do we even know all of these aspects about our self after all this time?

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Those of us still feeling, “I really have to know everything” before committing to someone else, talk with elders who got married within 1 year of meeting and have stayed together 30, 40, 50+ years …embodying the spirit of these lyrics:

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“Let’s, let’s stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad”

– Al Green

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Ironically, my young friends, WE HAVE been staying together, too!  We’ve actually been committing our selves to another – ALSO despite whether we see “good or bad“… and without knowing everything about them beforehand. 🙂 

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Namely, the way we’ve committed to a job –

 accepting and working with the “good” and “bad” –

is very similar to how we become committed to marriage… 

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The initiation process is very similar, as well:

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First, we acknowledge that someone else needs us by hearing them  (“Help Wanted!“).

Then, we communicate how we will fill their need (resume and interview). 

Finally, in the offer, the two of us “seal the deal” – vowing  to work with each other towards mutual benefit and growth, together.  

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…And this is where the similarities end: 

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A job commitment is not eternal – we quit, leave, get fired, get downsized, retire, sever,” or “separate” at any time. 

Marriage is for life. 

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However, many people seem to unconsciously blur these distinctions.  For example, we are applying approaches and attitudes that are appropriate in the workplace (such as, “separating,” “severance,” and “putting on a face“/”political correctness”/”fake it ’til you make it“) to what should never be appropriate for cultivating marriage

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The characters in the photo to the left are notorious for approaching their dates with workplace behaviors (such as being conniving, competitive, and entitled)… often resulting in absurd dating drama and repeated misfires! 😛

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.Also like with these characters, a common result is we tend to become  jaded, hardened, and resentful of continually  “failing-to-launch” into marriage (“again…), “Sigh…”  

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On our behalf, it’s almost so intuitive that if “I” work with success in the workplace (to glowing managerial reviews, at times),  the same approach should apply well to dating… and towards me also being able to attain the ULTIMATE “glowing review,” “Yes… I will marry you!” 🙂

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However, in our repeated frustration, it just seems easier to settle for being “married to our jobs” (and to our already loving/openly-embracing cadre of parents, friends, and pets) – happily single“…

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Who doesn’t like to already have a feeling of success and embrace?  Why leave the nest and risk “giving up all that“? 

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…Soon, “Desperado-dom” sinks in (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eagles/desperado.html).

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Personally, yes, chronic dating IS quite exhausting (emotionally, physically, and spiritually).  The closest comparision seems to be to a person’s ordeal with a chronic illness, G-d forbid! 

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Such a tumultuous, self-protecting process would stifle a sense of security, production, innovation, growth, and progress, even in the workplace.  …Whereupon, however, we would consider such conditions as, “unacceptable,” endeavoring and committing ourselves to get through “the dip (http://www.amazon.com/Dip-Little-Book-Teaches-Stick/dp/1591841666/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1322695755&sr=8-1).

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Similarly, when will we decide for our life that chronic dating is “unacceptable” and work through the “dip

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…Sanctity, Stability, and Structure:  marriage is us becoming “Home” for another person’s needs.

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BFf .

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